I have a lot of fears. Some of them are irrational. I'm afraid of squirrels (google "squirrel attacks", it happens), I'm afraid of losing a kid (I constantly count them when we are out in public to make sure they are all there), and I'm afraid of traveling. I want to take my kids to Disney one day, but I'm afraid of being in such a busy place and possibly losing a kid. The very thought of traveling to Florida for a week with my family makes me feel sweaty, my eyes tear up, and the weight I feel on my chest makes it hard to breath. Also, I am extremely uncomfortable with public restrooms- I have to wash my hands several times after using the restroom to feel clean, and I carry hand sanitizer everywhere I go. Oh, I also don't like feet- don't touch mine, don't put yours near me, and let's not even look at them, 'kay?
So when I heard a commercial on the radio the other day about a missions trip with Shoes for Orphans Souls, I was pretty shocked when my heart leapt and I felt this strong desire to go. Then they announced there was a contest to win a free trip. I decided to enter, and will be sending in my submission this week. The winner is announced Friday and I would appreciate your prayers that God's will be done.
I planned to sit back and wait to hear the winner. After all, if God wants me to go, He will give me the trip. I figured by entering, I was doing my part and that I was done. Silly me! I couldn't get this mission trip off of my mind. I kept looking up information about it. I kept thinking of how much I wanted to snuggle these kids, wash their dirty feet, and pray over them. I want them to know how much God loves them, and I want to love on them.
Then the doubts began creeping in. The odds of winning are probably pretty slim. I cannot afford this trip on my own. In the last few weeks, our washer and dryer had to be replaced, the back window of one vehicle had to be replaced, and the alternator on another vehicle blew. I'm still trying to figure out how to pay for all that. Why am I even thinking about trying to pay for a missions trip? I started thinking about how I don't attend church every week. I'm embarrassed to admit that I miss church more than I attend. Surely, there are more qualified, better Christians that should go on a trip like this. Oh, and did I mention that I don't even have a passport?? This is silly. This is crazy. I can't do this.
I had told my husband, sister, and 2 other amazing Christian women about entering the contest and asked them for prayer. I didn't mention that the gears in my head were turning, trying to figure out how in the world I could pay for the trip when I don't win the contest. I didn't dare post on Facebook or tell anyone this desire, this call I felt to go on this trip. See, if I tell people, then I've got to do something. If I put it out there for others to see, this crazy idea, this impossible notion, and then I fail to go- I would feel ridiculous. Yeah, these doubts were getting pretty strong.
Today, I decided to google "The Great Commission" and then I googled "Francis Chan and The Great Commission." Wouldn't you know he preached a sermon on that very passage? (You can hear it at http://www.cornerstonesimi.com/special/media_player.html, the sermon 6/3/12 titled "The Thrill of Obedience.") Wow. It was exactly what I needed to hear to dispel my doubts. God can use anyone and wants to use everyone. If I wait until I'm a "good enough" Christian to share his word or to do what he is calling me to do, I'll never be ready. There is so much more in this sermon that touched my heart, and it was one of those messages that you hear and feel was written just for you. (Don't you love when God does that?)
I called Catina on my way home, and told her how God was working on me, and how I felt that He was calling me to take this trip. While on the phone with her, I checked the mail and found a check for $134. It won't pay for the trip. It barely covers half of the first deposit that is due in 2 weeks. But, it reassured me that God is going to provide a way. I just need to trust in Him.
So that is what I am doing. I am trusting that God wouldn't put this desire in my heart, He wouldn't call me to take this trip if He wasn't going to provide a way for me to do it. I'm praying that while God works out the finances, He will also work on my heart and ready me for this trip. And I am putting it out there, that I am going to Honduras in September, God willing.
Friends, I ask that you join me in praying. Specifically, pray that I will have the money to put down the first deposit, then the second, then the third. That I will have the money for my passport. Pray that God will prepare me to show His love, and to be a witness for Him. Pray that my husband and kids will make it through a week without me. Pray that my fear of traveling and issues with germs will stay be manageable. Pray for my safety during this trip.
This will be the scariest thing I have ever done, but I also trust that it will be the most amazing blessing.